Family Guy

Some crap on the wire about Fox’s “fall lineup” gimmick to introduce new shows in June, August, November, and January instead of the traditional September.

Whatever, not interesting, but buried in it was this gem:

“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane will also produce a new cartoon, “American Dad.” Next summer, he’ll start making new episodes of “Family Guy,” a cartoon Fox canceled then was stunned to see it become enormously popular on DVD.

So we get a new cartoon and new episodes of the Family Guy? Finally, I have a reason to live!

Also, they’ve renewed Arrested Development. A bit of a one-trick pony, but friggin’ genius compared to the The King Of Queens-caliber boobery we put up with today.

The reality line-up is total craporama, save The Simple Life 2. What makes more sense after The Apprentice than building a show around Richard Branson and Mark Cuban! Oy.

While I’m at the TV thing, Martha Stewart Living will wrap in September. Officially hiatus, but it’s over folks. Poor girl.

Memo to UPN

Stop showing the same damn episodes of The Simpsons!

Episodes from 2001-2003 are endlessly repeated, somehow missing an entire decade of the longest running sitcom in history. Knock it the fuck off already! It fills no less than 3 timeslots per day… and I don’t need to see Bart emancipated by Jane Kaczmarek anymore, okay? No more Simpson family visits to Epcot, and while the Screamapillar episode does bring a hardy har-har, I don’t need to see it again for the 18th time in the last 3 months. Got it? Good.

Oh, and only one Voyager repeat per week, yet The King of Queens twice weekdays? Um, no. Bad UPN, BAD!

That is all. Have a nice day.

Kucinich on Leno

This just killed me.

Dennis participated in a knock-off of “The Dating Game” last night on Jay Leno. ABCNews’ The Note sums it up beautifully:

The image of a presidential candidate standing next to Jay Leno on a retro psychadelic game show set was surreal enough, but the contestants’ fame and racy answers made it downright Fellini-esque. The participants included Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Tilly, the lithe blonde Republican/radio megastar consultant Kim Serafin, and actress Cybil Shepherd.

Some highlights (or, one could argue, lowlights):

• Jennifer Tilly asking in her best Betty Boop voice “How’s your hanging chad?”
• Cybil Shepherd screaming “I’m ready for a wardrobe malfunction!” after which she lifted up her dress to reveal satin pink underwear.
• Shepherd towering over Kucinich and trying to make out with him after not being picked, then reprising the skrit-lifting to make sure Kucinich had the chance to see it.
• Serafin, in what’s safe to call a politically incorrect answer, claiming that if she were First Lady and the Chinese president came to the White House, she assumes he’d be bringing take-out so would order the number 4.

Kucinich ended up choosing Bachelorette number 1, Jennifer Tilly, and seemed genuinely shocked and delighted a the contestants’ true identities. One can only assume he would have preferred to stay and have a real interview with Jay before heading out, but instead the vegan and his date were sent to dinner on the show at the raw food eatery Raw.

On Janet’s Boob…

Seriously, what the hell is everyone so worked up about? The FCC is launching an investigation for Christ’s sake! Now that’s important government business. Maybe if it were some white woman’s titty, we wouldn’t be all up in such a tissy. But I digress…

“They’re breasts mamma, and every woman’s got ’em!”

Let’s put things in perspective: professional athletes are currently on trial for rape and murder. Movie stars and music artists arrive at every award show in some state of undress. Who can forget Lil’ Kim at the MTV Music Awards and then Dianna Ross actually fondling it? (She was drunk, no doubt.) Every shirtless guy in clothing ads now has his pants riding below the hair line. Any kid walking down the Las Vegas strip sees hundreds of naked women ready to “massage” them in their hotel room. Janet’s own brother had sex with young boys! And I’m afraid your 12 year old has probably seen more melons than just cantaloupes on the Internet. Hell, the ads were more racy. And you’re worried about a long-shot of Janet’s dirty pillow? BFD!

CBS finger pointed to MTV who produced the show, MTV claimed ignorance. Like that makes a dif — they’re both owned by Viacom. Of course, MTV promised something “shocking” before the show then capitalized on it afterwards, and TiVo even jumped in the foray today claiming it was replayed a record number of times by it’s DVR owners. Justin claimed it was some sort of “wardrobe malfunction.” (Houston, we have a problem!) But Janet finally admitted it was, indeed, planned.

Best I can figure, this is all over one nipple. Were Janet sporting a pastie, we’d all be fine and we could all go back to our nice Christian lives. But now our children are destroyed, and the FCC will burn a few mil “investigating” the incident. Let me save them some time: her breast was exposed on TV. End of story.

Look people, get a grip. You’re way too uptight. Maybe if you all looked at more boobs (including nipples), you’d be a bit more relaxed and move on to more pressing matters. Oh, say for example, the excessive amounts of gratuitous violence that permeates every movie, TV show, and news hour?

At any rate, and it’s not like I watch football, the game was good… down to the wire. Natch, I only watched for Jake Delhomme.

‘Simple Life’ More Popular Than Prez

Fox’s ‘The Simple Life’ beat Diane Sawyer’s interview of Bush by nearly 1 million viewers. (And for that matter, Navy NCIS starring Mark Harmon did too.)
If you haven’t seen what two ultra rich heiresses can do to a small Arkansas town — it’s, well — fucking hilarity! Granted, it’s Burin-Murray, so the “reality” has been severely tinkered with, which is evident by the serious gaps in time, but who cares…
Some choice moments:

TV GUY: Have either one of you ever had a job?
PARIS: (laughs) No.
NICOLE: No. Well, um, I was a figure skater once.

PARIS: He’s kinda cute. (referring to the host family’s 19 year old son)
NICOLE: Yeah! Let’s have a threeway with him!

For their first job, they had to milk cows then fill the milk bottles for delivery. When using real milk proved too boring, they cheated with a dirty bucket of water, explaining “Milk is fattening anyway! We’re doing them a favor!” Then they used the guy’s jacuzzi and took a nap on his couch.

Given a job at Sonic, a fast-food joint, bedlam ensues. Nicole attempts to mate with drive-thruers: “I like sweaty guys, you sure do sweat a lot.” Fat manager chick is unamused. So then they’re tasked with changing the marquee to announce some half-priced burger day or some such shit, but they’ve got their own plans, changing the sign to read ‘HALF PRICE SALTY ANAL WEINER BUGERS.’ Fat manager chick again unamused. Next, it’s waving at traffic in giant drink costumes. Nicole decides to give them the finger instead, then both head across the street into a grocery store where they roll around on the floor like two mating milkshakes. Fat manager chick yet again unamused; Paris rebuffs “we’re drumming up customers!”

NICOLE: I heard you guys like to hang out at Wal-Mart. Is that true? (Presumably ‘you guys’ being poor people.)
PARIS: Wallll… Marttt? What is that? Like a place you can buy wall stuff?

At least America’s got it’s priorities straight. Or maybe Karl Rove pitched The Simple Life as a distraction from his master plan?
Recommended: The Simple Life recaps at Television Without Pity.

Bloodsucking and The Family Guy

Got vampired today in a pre-op visit. Naturally, the vein was missed the first 3 times, and I became a pin cushion. I hate needles — intensely. It’s a wonder I didn’t faint.
Oh, and when I asked “What happens if there’s some catastrophic turn of events and I’m at risk of dying?” there was a long pause… very long… total silence and bewilderment at the question. She had no answer… but then finally, she astutely mentions “Well, there’s a hospital next door.” So I asked “Isn’t that YOUR hospital?” meaning the hospital with the same name as the out-patient surgery center I’m sitting in now. “Oh yeah,” she replies. Gee, ain’t that fucking grand.
On a completely unrelated note, I realized this morning The Family Guy Season 3 came out on DVD earlier this month. Whee!