Parental Units Over Iowa

My parents are in-route to San Francisco for the holidays, choosing to visit me this year… I’m not entirely freaked out yet, and Mike is still here for moral support (and to provide a distraction).

Things will pretty much go like this:

Soon after deplaning: Complaints about airline, seats, food, and connecting airport. “We like Charleston’s airport.” (The fact that there’s no directs between Charleston and SFO is completely beside the point.)

Parking lot: Complaints about the car, it’s lack of four doors, it’s color and interior, and the sport seats. Bonus point: impressed by navigation system.

Car ride up to Napa: “So… what did you do to get laid off?” Demand for an itinerary and list of dinner reservations. Inevitable comment about selection of music.

@ the Napa B&B: Some back-handed comment about the room and about how it’s costing them “over $100 a night.” (Truth is it’s $280 a night, and I’m paying the difference.)

And that’s day one! They’re here until the 26th.

They’ve already made things difficult enough. I bought e-Tickets, since paper tickets were $40 extra per ticket (and there is two per person each way), and they were utterly unconvinced they would be able to get on the plane without a physical ticket.

Anxiety increasing…

Righters Taking Homo Marriage Poll to Congress

The “American Family Association” is conducting an online poll about gay marriage. You know what to do.

[ via the bitter shack of resentment ]

‘Simple Life’ More Popular Than Prez

Fox’s ‘The Simple Life’ beat Diane Sawyer’s interview of Bush by nearly 1 million viewers. (And for that matter, Navy NCIS starring Mark Harmon did too.)
If you haven’t seen what two ultra rich heiresses can do to a small Arkansas town — it’s, well — fucking hilarity! Granted, it’s Burin-Murray, so the “reality” has been severely tinkered with, which is evident by the serious gaps in time, but who cares…
Some choice moments:

TV GUY: Have either one of you ever had a job?
PARIS: (laughs) No.
NICOLE: No. Well, um, I was a figure skater once.

PARIS: He’s kinda cute. (referring to the host family’s 19 year old son)
NICOLE: Yeah! Let’s have a threeway with him!

For their first job, they had to milk cows then fill the milk bottles for delivery. When using real milk proved too boring, they cheated with a dirty bucket of water, explaining “Milk is fattening anyway! We’re doing them a favor!” Then they used the guy’s jacuzzi and took a nap on his couch.

Given a job at Sonic, a fast-food joint, bedlam ensues. Nicole attempts to mate with drive-thruers: “I like sweaty guys, you sure do sweat a lot.” Fat manager chick is unamused. So then they’re tasked with changing the marquee to announce some half-priced burger day or some such shit, but they’ve got their own plans, changing the sign to read ‘HALF PRICE SALTY ANAL WEINER BUGERS.’ Fat manager chick again unamused. Next, it’s waving at traffic in giant drink costumes. Nicole decides to give them the finger instead, then both head across the street into a grocery store where they roll around on the floor like two mating milkshakes. Fat manager chick yet again unamused; Paris rebuffs “we’re drumming up customers!”

NICOLE: I heard you guys like to hang out at Wal-Mart. Is that true? (Presumably ‘you guys’ being poor people.)
PARIS: Wallll… Marttt? What is that? Like a place you can buy wall stuff?

At least America’s got it’s priorities straight. Or maybe Karl Rove pitched The Simple Life as a distraction from his master plan?
Recommended: The Simple Life recaps at Television Without Pity.

Bushy Ironies: $33M to Protect Cows from Terrorism

As Wired notes, the Dept of Homeland Security is ponying up $33M to combat terrorist attacks against our crops and livestock.
Strangely absent are any mention of the Republican attacks on food safety rules at the behest of Big Meat and Agri businesses. Food-borne illness kills 5,000 each year and sickens 17 million. Osama would wet himself making those kind of numbers!
In 2001, the Bush administration reversed USDA regulations requiring testing for salmonella and E.coli in meat fed to 27M school children. This March 2002 open letter to the Prez from consumer watchdog groups is especially relevant, noting “even as bioterrorism concerns highlight weaknesses in our existing food-safety programs, key initiatives designed to ensure the safety of meat are languishing and existing safeguards are being eroded.”
Protections of drinking water from pesticide run-off are under attack.
Tip of the iceburg. Look no further than Eric Scholosser’s Fast Food Nation. That book impressed upon me this wonderful phrase, handy while at any MickeyD’s: Acceptable levels of fecal contamination.

Karl Rove Re-election Plan On Track: Saddam Captured Alive

Seriously, is anyone really surprised by this?
Bush verbally masturbated for 45 minutes declaring “a dark era is over.” The streets of Bagdad erupt in jubilation. “Operation Red Dawn!” Natch, CNN’s sucking up the spin like a wet sponge. Lordy.
OK, so am I the only one who thinks we’ve had ol’ Saddam all along and he’d been shoved in some dank dark hole until the Bushies deemed it most “newsworthy?”
The unibomber-look is a nice touch, though.
Now, about that pesky democracy thing…

“Economy” USB Hub Kills Baby Steve?

So I bought this Belkin 7-port USB hub today at CompUSA, as it seemed to be a steal at $39.99 with a $10 mail-in rebate.
At the register, it rings up as “BELKIN ECONOMY HUB” which causes me some concern — I don’t remember what was “economical” (read: hobbled functionality) about it, other than it’s cheap price.
I get home, install it and plug everything in. All’s well.
But then I notice this wee-little warning sticker attached to the back of the package: “WARNING! This product contains chemicals, including lead, known to the State of California to cause birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.”
I race for the bathroom at lightning speed… wash and repeat. Wash and repeat. Huge sigh of relief. Then I remember that I’m not pregnant! But anyway…
What gives? Is this some third-world edition hub they couldn’t move in Uruguay, so they’re unloading it on Americans bargain shopping in Mexican-owned big-box computer retailers?
So there it is… taunting me to touch it, rub it, and let it enlarge my colon… but no, not gonna do it!
Perhaps Belkin were the original makers of the Happy Fun Ball?

Yahoo! Groups Serious about Singles & STDs

So, um, I go to create a Yahoo! Group today for all of us that got canned yesterday in AOL’s drunken layoff orgy, and step 1 is to categorize your group… innocuous enough, right? The list is standard top-level fare (Business, Colleges, Science, etc.) until the final entry. Click the picture to enlarge.

Mayor Matt? Hmmm…

Returns are coming in.

Merry Fucking Christmas, You’re Fired!

I believe it went something like this: “AOL is realigning resources meaning you will no longer have a position with the company.”
And with that, so ended my 4 years (and 3 days) with the company.
Now I can go get a real job with a real company!