Those Nutty Fundies Down South

Posted by: on Feb 25, 2004 | 2 Comments

Atrios posted a link to an opinion piece from some podunk newspaper in Jasper, Al which offers a solution to all these “activist judges” and the “grievous sin” of homosexuality: execution! That’ll fix ’em!

Fundie whack jobs aside, often carted out, as in this case, is Leviticus 18:22: “If a man lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”

Reading the comments, I found this gem: Apparently “Dr.” Laura’s been spewing similar crap opposing gay marriages and floating the same verse to prop up her argument. Not surprising — her disdain for cake-boys is no secret. But I always find it interesting that Bible verses are conveniently pushed forward as to be taken literally, word-for-word, when it serves one group’s purpose. So a listener decided to take “Dr.” Laura’s extensive Biblical knowledge and literal interpretation to task:

As Heard On Friday, January, 31, 2003: Letter to Doctor Laura from a Bob and Sheri listener!

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24.
The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

No More Comment Spam?

Posted by: on Feb 18, 2004 | No Comments

I’ve implemented a security code against comment spam. Let’s see if it works…

“AOL is realigning its resources”

Posted by: on Feb 17, 2004 | No Comments

With those words, I was laid off on December 6th. Yesterday was my technical separation date from the company.

So, for shits-n-giggles, I fed “AOL is realigning its resources” into the Anagram Server.

Some tasty results:

  1. Uglier, anti-social regressions.
  2. Sacrilegious goriness latrine.
  3. Irregular, egoistical nosiness.
  4. Arousing in soleless geriatric.
  5. Stingers or salacious lingerie.
  6. Coarse, gnarlier litigiousness.
  7. Neurotic as sillier aggression.
  8. Ugliness on a greasier clitoris. (Well then!)
  9. Arousing costlier lingerie ass.
  10. Sore sneering litigious rascal.
  11. A sillier atrociousness nigger. (Yikes!!!!)

Gay Nuptials Continue

Posted by: on Feb 17, 2004 | No Comments

Two judges refused Tuesday to put an immediate halt to the parade of same-sex weddings taking place at San Francisco City Hall, leaving open the possibility that gays and lesbians will be able to obtain marriage licenses and wed at least until the end of this week.

Superior Court Judge James Warren turned down an anti-gay marriage group’s request to issue an immediate stay that would bar the city from issuing licenses. However, after a 2 1/2 –hour hearing in a packed courtroom, Warren gave city officials an option: “cease and desist” from issuing licenses, or return to court March 29 to explain why they should be able to allow gays and lesbians to marry.

Listen, this “battle” is simple. The court has no business halting something that doesn’t legally exist in the first place. Why would you issue an injunction to something that, at the end of the day, isn’t recognized by the state? Ridiculous. The court is doing their job.

I realize these right-wing groups are all up in arms simply because the “marriages” are happening, but the fact of the matter is, they’re not legal so relax already. The mere thought makes them spontaneously spew bible verses and imaging consummation probably brings a full-on seizure, but this over-reaction to a legal non-event is not likely to work in their favor.

Well, Gavin, I hope your stunt works. I really do. Yes, the current law is discriminatory, but at the moment, you’re pedaling hope without anything legal to back you up. Constitutional laws will override statues, so prove it unconstitutional already and let’s get on with this.

City Hall was at least nice enough to waive the $62 ceremony fee for the first five days, in addition to extending hours on Saturday and Sunday to perform marriages. Congratulations to all 2,636 couples!

It’s Crazy Tasty!

Posted by: on Feb 17, 2004 | No Comments

Spam sucks, sure enough, but occasionally you get some winners:

Apparently, Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make me an ordained minister…. in 48 hours! While not exactly the deity I want to be, it’s a step closer, and it includes such benefits as: weddings, funerals, baptisms, forgiveness of sins, and even visiting correctional facilities to “preach the word of God to those who have strayed from the flock.” All for $29.95. Ohhh! Correctional facilities! I’m just tingling with… um… fear? Maybe I can fend off a shanking with the Good Book.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything more unappealing. Well, maybe one thing.

So even spam has got its niche markets. I wonder if the spammer forgives herself after each spamblast?

Speaking of Simpson, The Simpsons is on right now… gotta go.


Posted by: on Feb 17, 2004 | No Comments

For the last two nights, I’ve gotten no sleep due to the incessant rattling of my windows. Stupid wind, stupid storm, stupid weather, stupid cheap windows, stupid ears.

Now, this morning, not only am I tired, but the water is turned off. I’ve got a friggin’ interview today! And the water is turned off! (I live in an apartment, so no, it’s not because I didn’t pay the bill.) I don’t even know how to solve this one. Power out? Light candles — simple enough. With the water out, what the hell am I supposed to do? Buy bottled and use a washcloth? What is this, 1850? Baby wipes? Rubbing alcohol? Good lord, I don’t even know and don’t even wanna think about it.


Honky Handout

Posted by: on Feb 15, 2004 | No Comments

Story: []

BRISTOL, R.I. (AP) — A student group at Roger Williams University is offering a new scholarship for which only white students are eligible, a move they say is designed to protest affirmative action.

The application for the $50 award requires an essay on “why you are proud of your white heritage” and a recent picture to “confirm whiteness.”

“Evidence of bleaching will disqualify applicants,” says the application, issued by the university’s College Republicans.

Sharpton’s on a Roll

Posted by: on Feb 15, 2004 | No Comments

“[Clarence Thomas] is my color, but not my kind. I’d take Howard Dean and John Kerry wrapped together over Clarence Thomas anyday.”

Best Answer from Debate

Posted by: on Feb 15, 2004 | No Comments

Lester Holt: Do you believe the President knowingly lied and if so why? [in regards to Iraq war]

Al Sharpton: First of all, I think, if he didn’t know he was lying and lied, that’s even worse. Clearly he lied. Now if he’s an unconscious liar, and doesn’t realize when he’s lying, then we’re really in trouble. Because absolutely he was a liar. They said they knew the weapons were there, members of the administration said they knew where the weapons were. We’re not just talking about something passing here, we’re talking about 500 lives. We’re talking about billions of dollars. So I hope he knew he was lying, because if he didn’t and just went into some kinda crazy psychological breakdown then we’re really in trouble. I’m a minister, why do people lie? Because they’re liars. He lied in Florida, he’s lied several times, I believe he lied in Iraq.

We should give him his retirement [so he can] figure this out and explain this.


Kucinich on Leno

Posted by: on Feb 13, 2004 | One Comment

This just killed me.

Dennis participated in a knock-off of “The Dating Game” last night on Jay Leno. ABCNews’ The Note sums it up beautifully:

The image of a presidential candidate standing next to Jay Leno on a retro psychadelic game show set was surreal enough, but the contestants’ fame and racy answers made it downright Fellini-esque. The participants included Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Tilly, the lithe blonde Republican/radio megastar consultant Kim Serafin, and actress Cybil Shepherd.

Some highlights (or, one could argue, lowlights):

  • Jennifer Tilly asking in her best Betty Boop voice “How’s your hanging chad?”
  • Cybil Shepherd screaming “I’m ready for a wardrobe malfunction!” after which she lifted up her dress to reveal satin pink underwear.
  • Shepherd towering over Kucinich and trying to make out with him after not being picked, then reprising the skrit-lifting to make sure Kucinich had the chance to see it.
  • Serafin, in what’s safe to call a politically incorrect answer, claiming that if she were First Lady and the Chinese president came to the White House, she assumes he’d be bringing take-out so would order the number 4.

Kucinich ended up choosing Bachelorette number 1, Jennifer Tilly, and seemed genuinely shocked and delighted a the contestants’ true identities. One can only assume he would have preferred to stay and have a real interview with Jay before heading out, but instead the vegan and his date were sent to dinner on the show at the raw food eatery Raw.