If your Building Collapses, Give Yourself a Blowjob

Posted by: on May 22, 2004 | No Comments

This was making the rounds at work yesterday. Way funny.

[ thanks Tim! ]

Wild West

Posted by: on May 21, 2004 | One Comment

Outside the Safeway I usually go to, almost daily, since it’s close:

Chron has the story, plus video.

The camera had a bird’s-eye view of the broad-daylight shooting of 26- year-old Chris Johnson, the city’s 36th homicide of the year. Grainy video shows two men in T-shirts running up to the driver’s side of a Ford Contour, which was parked in front of the check-cashing store window, and firing multiple shots at Johnson before running away.

City homicides are getting a little nuts this year. Needs to stop. Newsom is showing up at some of the crime scenes (including this one), which I think is more than a PR move. Hope he’s got a rabbit in that hat. I’ve always felt relatively safe in this city, despite its size.

Family Guy

Posted by: on May 20, 2004 | 2 Comments

Some crap on the wire about Fox’s “fall lineup” gimmick to introduce new shows in June, August, November, and January instead of the traditional September.

Whatever, not interesting, but buried in it was this gem:

“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane will also produce a new cartoon, “American Dad.” Next summer, he’ll start making new episodes of “Family Guy,” a cartoon Fox canceled then was stunned to see it become enormously popular on DVD.

So we get a new cartoon and new episodes of the Family Guy? Finally, I have a reason to live!

Also, they’ve renewed Arrested Development. A bit of a one-trick pony, but friggin’ genius compared to the The King Of Queens-caliber boobery we put up with today.

The reality line-up is total craporama, save The Simple Life 2. What makes more sense after The Apprentice than building a show around Richard Branson and Mark Cuban! Oy.

While I’m at the TV thing, Martha Stewart Living will wrap in September. Officially hiatus, but it’s over folks. Poor girl.


Posted by: on May 20, 2004 | No Comments

Is this what we’ve come to just to make people act civilized?

ATLANTA (AP) — Airlines have offered more legroom, televisions and even martinis on flights to draw customers in a highly competitive market. In the latest unusual effort, Delta’s low-fare carrier, Song, will give free tickets to passengers who are nice to one another.

Help another passenger carry a bag, stay upbeat during a difficult situation or assist a flight attendant and you could earn one of 5,000 roundtrip tickets Song will give away in June for redemption between September and November.


Posted by: on May 18, 2004 | No Comments

Today on Crossfire:

Bob Novak: “Well, Paul, I’m no political hack.”

And he said it with a straight face. Nevermind that pesky Valerie Plame thing.

Who is Eric Bana?

Posted by: on May 16, 2004 | No Comments

Um, this guy…

Yeah, exactly…

Troy Play-by-Play

Posted by: on May 16, 2004 | One Comment

Saw Troy the other night. It’s about as true to Homer’s Iliad as Homer’s Iliad was to real events, which was written 400 years after the fact. But I’m not here to write a review. Rather, I present to you, my play-by-play:

  • Previews. Previews. Previews. Fandango commercial. And I’ve got 2 hours and 42 minutes of movie to go through. Better get comfortable. Skittles and 7-Up — CHECK. OK, bring on the gratuitous man meat.
  • Oh, Carolyn’s putting her glasses on. She doesn’t want to miss one drawn-out camera pan down Brad’s ripped and filthy body.
  • There’s Brad. Laying on a bevy of babes, natch. Shock! He’s half naked! Shocked, I tell you!
  • It’s David vs. Goliath meets The Matrix! Brad slays the giant while flying through the air complete with a 360 camera pan.
  • Oh, look, Brad in a loincloth! Ok, it’s really a miniskirt. But whatever… friggin’ bastard, making life difficult for the rest of us guys. He’s 40 and looks like that.
  • Oh, who cares. It’s Orlando Bloom in a loincloth. Eh.
  • Why. Does. Everyone. Talk. Like. This? No wonder it’s 3 hours!
  • Orlando’s character is “Paris.” Thankfully, that’s slightly less gay of a name than Orlando.
  • Is Helen on Quaaludes?
  • Oh, look, Eric Bana in a loincloth! And he can actually act. And he looks like that. I could quit work, devote myself to the gym 8 hours a day, and I still wouldn’t look like that.
  • Battle. Battle. Battle.
  • The guy playing Brad’s cousin is creepy. Half poor-man Brad Pitt, half grown-up Hanson brother. *shudder*
  • Agamendmon looks like he’s harboring lice up in that beard. But, okay, Brian Cox is doing a good job being a filth-bag.
  • Yep, it’s official. Helen’s on Quaaludes.
  • Aw, Brad has a heart. And apparently has no problem with Trojan cooter.
  • Why do the Trojan Emperor’s spiritual advisors look like characters from Guantlet?
  • Battle. Battle. Battle.
  • Holy crap, is that Morrissey? Can’t be. That guy is everywhere all-asudden. Well, Meat Loaf was in Fight Club. Brad’s got a boner for has-beens.
  • What is it with chicks and Restalyne? Stop pumping your lips already! It doesn’t look historically accurate, especially considering the rest of this movie is… ahem.
  • Jesus, will this thing ever end? I think my ass is starting to sweat. Turn the air on already!
  • Nope, ain’t Morrissey. Thank God. I was about to get all fixated on that.
  • Shit. Hectar (er, uh, Eric) is dead. Bathroom break time.
  • Troy meets Burning Man. Well, Burning City at least.
  • Achillis Heal Thing == Lamest — Thing — Ever.
  • Man, it’s almost been 3 hours. I bet Courtney Love has been arrested 3 times while I’ve been in this theater. The world is going on without me…
  • Oh, mother of God. The credits. Dear Lord? I have suffered many hardships! Be kind to me.

Angry Man Yells at Cloud

Posted by: on May 16, 2004 | One Comment

So, at the ripe old age of 31, I’m getting more and more like Abe Simpson. Everything either scares me or pisses me off.

Today, I planned on going to Target… but couldn’t because of that pesky Bay To Breakers thing and the traffic snarls. So I went to Walgreens instead. Place always irritates me. Bar soap? Over by dishwashing and laundry soap. Liquid body soap? Over by face products and acne gels, 6 aisles over. Fucking brilliant! Ugh.

But, then I saw this [at right]… and remembered I’m not that far from Beavis after all.

The Other Woman

Posted by: on May 13, 2004 | No Comments

James Moore has an interesting perspective into the interworkings of Karen Hughes over at Salon.

No one saw Karen Hughes’ transcendent moment with George W. Bush. Possibly, she had already crossed over from being his communications consultant to being his confidant.


Actually, Hughes had become unsettlingly close to her boss long before journalism or outsiders began to take note. In fact, her worst critics have accused the presidential counselor of living almost vicariously through Bush. His goals and political ideology have been so inculcated into Hughes’ consciousness that she may no longer be able discern between her own thinking and the president’s. This undoubtedly is an odd characterization to make of two of the world’s most powerful adults. There is, however, no shortage of evidence to prompt the speculation.

Undoubtedly, this will be written-off as a hack piece by the right, but it is interesting if nothing else. Watching Hughes on TV promoting her “expansive love note to her president, ‘Ten Minutes From Normal'”, it becomes quickly evident she’s beer-bonged the Kool-Aid and W is our present-day messiah. Hughes’ claims to fame are the hatchet-job Bush did to fellow-Republican McCain in 2000, followed by an all-out campaign to bury the drunkard Bush angle the media was feebly following. Indeed, she’s willing to dive into the dirt for her president, no matter how taboo the topic.

It’s difficult to understand how anyone outside of the Jerry Springer show can behave this way, but this article makes at least some attempt to bring reason to her inexplicable devotion to Our Dear Leader.

MaxSpeak Contest

Posted by: on May 13, 2004 | 3 Comments


The challenge: “Submit your entries here for the most vicious thing posted by someone on the Instapundit blogroll.”

Behold entry #1:

METROPOLIS, Ill. (AP)–A top high school basketball team was beaten in a game that ended in an on-court brawl among fans in which a coach was hit with a bottle and five people were treated at a hospital.”

I saw the news clips. There wasn’t a white face in the bunch. The gym was filled with black people who went totally African at the end of the game. It was a fvcking riot. I don’t care whether you want to call me a racist or not, but black people cannot continue to behave as savages and be treated as free citizens in this country. We have fucking LAWS. You can’t just nut-up and go n;gger over a fucking basketball game. The world doesn’t work that way.

But you people keep doing it, over and over, then whining about “Civil Rights.” Try the word CIVIL on your goddam tongue. The root word leads to “civilized.” That means obeying the law and playing by the rules. If you want to change the system, rebel against it and take your fight to court. You don’t hit a coach in the head with a bottle.

Don’t n;gger-up and turn a high school gym into a scene right out of Haiti.

I know from reading this woman that she agrees with me. She’s written before about seing such stories and hoping like hell that it wasn’t a bunch of blacks running wild creating the scene.

But guess who it is almost every time, darlin? Yep. It’s the n;ggers going crazy again. Black leaders should be outraged by such behavior and they should be preaching AGAINST IT, not encouraging it or excusing it. But I’ll never live long enough to see such honesty from ANY goddam politician alive today.

I am becoming more comfortable with the word “n;gger” since the 1960s. I had compassion for an oppressed people back then. But I watched them shit all over every opportunity handed to them for the last 40 years, and you know what we have now? Not a minority absorbed into our society. We just have a bunch of n;ggers running wild.

You can face the truth or you can run from it, but whatever the choice, it won’t change a damned thing. 49% of our prison population is black. Black wimmen have a 70% illegitmate birth rate. Only one in three black men (who AREN’T in prison) has a goddam job.

Yeah, I know, why repost it? Well, because it’s important to know this type of wingnuttery is an everyday affair. Just look at some of the other entries. Now tell me these people aren’t couching the Iraq “war” as a for-the-white man fundie Christian crusade.