..: schmeeve / a blog :..

QotD

Richard Clarke on Olbermann referring to today's Senate Intelligence Report on how the Bush administration lied us into war:

I just don't think we can let these people back into polite society [...] and just pretend this didn't happen. [...] Someone should have to pay.

Um, can I get an AMEN?

Jan-Michael Vincent was Passed Out After a Bender

Link:

Edward dedicates his time to caring for [his 1974 VW Beetle] Vanilla and composing car-themed love songs on his keyboard. He reveals that his taste for mechanical love extends to a fascination with aircraft – and even claims to have made love to Airwolf, the high-tech helicopter from the 1980s TV series of the same name.

Flying Penis

Chess legend cum politician Garry Kasparov is interrupted during a speech.

Cousin Fucking

And the results:

BRAZORIA, TX (KTRK) -- A state trooper found a six foot alligator in the back seat of a burglary suspect's car early Saturday morning.

The trooper told Eyewitness News that William Johnson found the gator in the road near Angleton and loaded it up into his Buick Regal, then broke into a house in Brazoria.

DPS Trooper Steve Stanfield explained, "From my understanding, he tried to get a big screen TV out of the house. He couldn't get it in the car by himself, so he recruited a neighbor, who, when he saw the alligator, dropped the TV and said, 'Alright, I ain't got nothing to do with it.'"

Officers arrested Johnson and a game warden took the alligator.

Officers also told us on Friday, they found Johnson with a four and a half foot water moccasin that had bitten him. Johnson did not suffer ill effects from the snake bite.

In Texas. I know, I'm shocked too.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Memorable:

• Wednesday, half day, goodbye lunch for another employee which shifts ever more responsibility on to me. I will miss her though.

• About 4:30 that afternoon, I'm sitting in the ER having a massive panic attack. (No, the above isn't a trigger, that scene is played out like twice a week and if I'm at peace with anything, it's that.) While freaking at the ER -- feelings of going crazy, imminent death, profuse sweating, and BP so high I'm unable to articulate full sentences, I wait an hour or two as a colorful parade of street drunks go right through the VIP line, no waiting required. Cuz I "look" normal, nervous pacing and rapid short breathing aside. I keep muttering to Mason, "just 1mg of Ativan and I can turn the corner."

  

• Nurse finally calls. "Probably panic attack, just need a mg of Ativan," I'm begging. BP machine doesn't work; the 5th take finally gets a reading. Much to her surprise, it's spectacularly high. As is my heart rate. Blood O2 low, too, from all the rapid shallow breathing. Hey, guess he's not lying! I'm asked to pee in a cup and strip down and get into a gown. I'm ushered into a room.

• Space limited. Room divided by curtain, crazed ramblings coming from the other side. I try to remain as quiet as a mouse. I'm offered a Turkey recipe from behind the curtain, which I don't even acknowledge. But to her mind-altered credit, she was topical, even if delivered as "Hey, fuck hey there, you, oh my fucking god, I've got the best, [hack hack hack], best fucking Turkey recipe." I kept quiet. She was snoring less than a minute later.

• See Doc. Obviously knows his stuff. Two minutes later Ativan arrives. 2 more minutes and I'm starting to relax and my BP had dropped 40%.

• Given Rx for Ativan. Met with Doc no more than 1 full minute. Discharged, Mason's obviously terrified about my well being, by taking a nap. I think he's snooring.

• Since tomorrow's Thanksgiving, force myself to go Turkey shopping, after a stop by the Walgreens pharmacy to stock up on Ativan.

• So... Thanksgiving was nice. Relaxing. Cooking on Ativan, fun, if not especially efficient. That's my little 12-pounder to the right. Delicious!

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Toothpaste Tubes

It's official: the GOP is 100% gay.

After the two men apparently had sex, Castagna allegedly left the hotel room with Curtis’ wallet, the report says. Curtis agreed to give the man $200, which he left at his hotel’s desk, only to be confronted with a demand for an additional $800, the report says.

Spokane Police Detective Tim Madsen wrote in his report that Curtis wanted to keep the whole incident quiet. At one point, Madsen told Curtis that “the toothpaste was already out of the tube.”

Hayward Ablohmie

CNN:

Hayward from Escondido wrote this:

We drove by a huge wall of flames in our Hummer. Thank God we made it out.

Email From: Hayward Ablohmie
Escondido, California

[ via Atrios ]

Not Measuring Up: My iPhone Bill

I think my frequent access to Wi-Fi is screwing me of the opportunity to make my own video revealing a over 300 page bill from AT&T. (Methinks a lot of you would probably have no problem at all helping that poor girl with her bill.)

I'd given up paper billing for starters, but even the PDF version from the AT&T site came in at 178 pages. Every 15 minutes my iPhone checks email and uses EDGE? A new entry on the bill. All cost me $0.00. Fucking brilliant.

Even given the first 30 hours numbers and averaging $1 extra per mailing of the physical giaganto-bill (paper, postage, and packaging -- it requires a BOX not an envelope for most), that's $217k they wasted.

Given AT&Ts religious need to felate the Street, I'd be watching for that FCKUIPHONE "tax" to show up on your next bill.

Neighborly: CBT TOP

Parked a couple of doors down:

Maybe new to the neighborhood or just stopping by?

Don't think I'll be attending any house warming parties in the near future.

Crazy Bruce's Liquor

iPhone Haters: Finally, a Legit Reason to Reject the Jesusphone

Yep, that's Karl Rove, our Dark Lord of the Sith.

Technorati Tags: iphone

English Rugby Players

Is there anything booze can't do?

(vid totally NSFW)

WTF? Mirapex makes you Gamble

Mirapex is one of those drugs designed to treat problems you never knew you had, in this case, restless leg snydrome. Buyer beware, however:

There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson's disease or RLS, including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating, and increased sex drive.

Um. Okay. Seems like a little toe-tapping would be worth it. Can't argue with that last one though.

DRM

[ via TorrentFreak ]

Kenneth Eng Arrested

Quick, look surprised.

Kenneth Eng, the author of a controversial AsianWeek column that described reasons to "hate" black people, is being held in a New York jail without bail on assault and harassment charges.

[...]

Eng allegedly approached the mother and daughter as they stood in their driveway with their pet and said, "If your dog bites me, I will kill you and your family." He then called the mother fat and lazy and swung a hammer at her and the dog, according to the Queens district attorney's office.

Eng's certifiably nuts. Check it out: 1, 2, 3, 4.

Here's to hoping the arresting officer was as chocolate as they come.

Technorati Tags: kenneth eng, why I hate blacks

She does not dream at all about such...

Penis enlargement. I get a few hundred a day. Yawn. But this girl -- check out the cheap Photoshop job on this girl's eyes. Classic. I also enjoyed the pork loin trussed weenie diagram. Quality spam.

Remembering Falwell

I don't take any particular joy in his death, but I do know if I'd met him yesterday, he'd of deemed me immoral and doomed me to hell. So, well, fuck him.

You can Google around as well as I can to find out what an awful human being he was, but here's a few in memorandum.

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!" (you didn't!)

"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians ... the A.C.L.U., People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

(in reference to 9-11) "God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve."

"Textbooks are Soviet propaganda."

"The whole global warming thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability."

"Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions."

Oh, and let's not forget his crusade against Tinky-Winky, the purple Teletubby turning your children teh gay.

[ UPDATE: Heh. There's a postmortem protest at 18th & Castro tonight. Hey, boys -- shouldn't you be saving this for Phelps? ]

Technorati Tags: jerry falwell

Mad Skillz

This one's for the ladies:

I'm sure you'll go far boys. That ottoman looked very impressed. *shudder*

Teh Stoopids: California DMV

While you can renew your registration at the DMV's website (good!), you need to provide some renewal confirmation number you received in the mail (dumb!).

Oh, the stupids. I can understand some security if they were going to give me money, but it's the other way around. If some tard wants to pay my DMV registration for me, go right ahead -- email your address and I'll even send a thank you muffin basket!

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

or as Fark put it:

Congratulations to Larry Birkhead, winner of the 2007 Anna Nicole Smith Vaginal Dumpster Invitational

schmeeve.com + stormfront.org

Since I posted the full text of that Why I Hate Blacks article from Kenneth Eng, I got a plug on a StormFront.org message board! GO ME!

Apparently irony is dead in white supremacist movement. But, I do hope you enjoy my "Black Singles Photos" Google ads!

Also of note: my 10th most popular search engine referral keyword is "foreskin."

Again, GO ME!

Technorati Tags: kenneth eng, whitey, why I hate blacks

Even More Kenneth Eng

Ardent furry fanatic.

And there we have it.

More Kenneth Eng

Remember kids -- laugh at him, not with him.

Describe one recurring dream you have?
Escaping this prison of a planet and physically entering the 0th Dimension as an anthropomorphic shark.

If you could have any five people over for dinner, who would they be?
Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, and my future self.

What would surprise most people to learn about you?

That even though I am by definition a genius...

His self-penned biography over at Amazon reminds us he "fought through hell to get where he was." I'm sure he do.

More over at Table of Malcontents, which unfortunately reminds us he "masturbates all the time."

Worried that she'd spurned a truly great talent, Hilary looked into Eng's novel, Dragon: Lexicon Triumvirate, and discovered that she had truly missed out. Check out these choice bits she gathered from the book:

"Time is not a concept. It is a word."

This is how the novel begins. Wow. Mindblowing stuff -- and this book stars dragons!

The dialogue is also top-notch. Here is one fine example:

"Interesting," muttered Dennagon to himself. "The force of gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared on this planet, but not in space. I wonder if 'space' actually exists."

And there's ACTION!

"Dennagon nonchalantly dropped down from his perched position to the ground. Without even taking his eyes off his book, he casually thrust his fist out, punching a hole straight through the head of one of his enemies as it charged. The decapitated body still handing from his forearm, he merely shifted his fist to the side so that the others could run into it. Expectedly, they did, blasting apart their own skulls against his scaly knuckles."

Why I Hate Blacks: Full Article and Text

I had trouble finding this, but here's that lovely Why I Hate Blacks article that first appeared in AsianWeek this past Friday.

While it's obvious that Kenneth Eng is a racist fucktard, the mere fact that it seemingly went past editorial, got on the front page and the editor still has his head makes me think: cheap publicity stunt. Here we have some solid evidence against that asians-are-super-smart meme often thrown around. (Which isn't racist, of course, cuz it's good stereotype. *sigh*)

Anyway, enjoy. It's a winner.

WHY I HATE BLACKS

Kenneth Eng, Feb 23, 2007

Here is a list of reasons why we should discriminate against blacks, starting from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

• Blacks hate us. Every Asian who has ever come across them knows that they take almost every opportunity to hurl racist remarks at us.

  In my experience, I would say about 90 percent of blacks I have met, regardless of age or environment, poke fun at the very sight of an Asian. Furthermore, their activity in the media proves their hatred: Rush Hour, Exit Wounds, Hot 97, etc.

• Contrary to media depictions, I would argue that blacks are weak-willed. They are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years. It’s unbelievable that it took them that long to fight back.

  On the other hand, we slaughtered the Russians in the Japanese-Russo War.

• Blacks are easy to coerce. This is proven by the fact that so many of them, including Reverend Al Sharpton, tend to be Christians.

  Yet, at the same time, they spend much of their time whining about how much they hate "the whites that oppressed them."

  Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Christianity the religion that the whites forced upon them?

• Blacks don’t get it. I know it’s a blunt and crass comment, but it’s true. When I was in high school, I recall a class debate in which one half of the class was chosen to defend black slavery and the other half was chosen to defend liberation.

  Disturbingly, blacks on the prior side viciously defended slavery as well as Christianity. They say if you don’t study history, you’re condemned to repeat it.

  In high school, I only remember one black student ever attending any of my honors and AP courses. And that student was caught cheating.

  It is rather troubling that they are treated as heroes, but then again, whites will do anything to defend them.

Supposedly this is Kenneth Eng's Amazon profile. Juvenile and angry... suppose it could be.

Tune in tomorrow... we'll explore why Asians can't drive.

Road to Redemption Chart

Hmmm... work in progress, but starting a chart here on America's favorite export: blame.

Did I just hear....

...Wesley Snipes' lawyer say "we've been emplaned for the last 65 hours" on CNN?

I guess that's technically correct, but do you have to be, so, um, ethmanical about it? Who the hell uses that word?

Also, it's worth mentioning the longest passenger flight recorded is somewhere under 23 hours. Believe it was a 777 from HKG to LHR.

65 hours. Horse pucky.

Crack is Whack!

After learning just last month that Osama longed to give Whitney Houston his meat kebab, it should come as no surprise that Whitney no longer wants to be Mrs. Bobby Brown.

My bet's on irreconcilable crack differences.

During rehab last year she used the power of prayer to overcome the evils of drugs.

This time we're all praying for you, Whitney.

MySpace Again

Don't know why I'm so petty, I know these idjits are just stealing whatever they find on Google Images, but never the less it's fun.

Someone should really look into the comments on Missy's page. And this one. Oh, and one of Amanda Nicole's (isn't that 10x more annoying that just "Amanda?") heroes has a new look!

I can't believe Makai would associate with people like Hernando:

Why does every MySpace page look like it was done by a retarded blind 3 year old? Is there some "fugliest page on the internets" award I'm not aware of?

Air Travel 5 Years after 9/11: Protecting you from Scary Pointy Things and Mascara

A couple of articles over at Salon by Patrick Smith (I really like this dude) outline the rampant fucktardery Americans face on a daily basis when flying: (Yes, other countries are far more rational)

First, this:

If you're one of the 21 bomb plot suspects still sitting in British prison right now, it's mission accomplished. No sooner were we told that a London-based conspiracy had come within days of blowing up several jetliners -- an allegation now subject to doubt -- when we were hit with a gantlet of preposterous security restrictions and a flurry of overreaction:

On Aug. 16, a United Airlines flight en route between London and Washington made an impromptu stop in Boston because a passenger threw an uncontrollable fit. Before being restrained with plastic handcuffs, the 59-year-old woman urinated on the cabin floor, which apparently was reason enough to summon a pair of F-15 fighters to intercept the 767. (She was not the first airline passenger to so relieve herself in an episode of what we used to call "air rage" -- a term that has become almost quaint in the current, overcharged atmosphere.) The aircraft was evacuated on the runway, and passengers were delayed several hours while canine units inspected hundreds of checked bags.

On Aug. 19, a Delta Air Lines jet made an emergency landing in San Antonio, Texas, because -- brace yourselves -- a passenger spent an unusual amount of time in the lavatory. According to flight attendants, the bathroom's ceiling panels had been moved and the smoke detector tampered with. The man, a resident of San Antonio, was detained and questioned -- including a physical search of his home -- before the FBI pronounced him "not suspicious at all." (The decrepit state of lavatories on most U.S. aircraft makes the crew's reaction even more overblown, but that's a topic for another time.)

More toilet trouble that same day, when an American Airlines flight from Dallas to Miami made an emergency stop in Tampa, Fla., after the cabin crew discovered two lavatories with locked doors -- and apparently nobody inside them. Police and TSA officials unlocked the doors and found the bathrooms ... empty.

And reflecting on the 5 years since 9/11:

Conventional wisdom says the terrorists exploited a weakness in airport security by smuggling aboard box cutters. This is bollocks. What they exploited was a weakness in our mind-set -- a set of presumptions based on a decades-long track record of hijackings. In the past, a takeover meant hostage negotiations and standoffs; crews were trained in the concept of "passive resistance." All of that changed forever when American Airlines Flight 11 collided with the north tower of the World Trade Center. What weapons the 19 men had in hand mattered little; the success of the attacks relied fundamentally on the element of surprise. And in this respect, their scheme was all but guaranteed not to fail.

In 2006, for several reasons -- from hardened cockpit doors to, especially, the awareness of passengers -- just the opposite is true. "Any hijacker will face a planeload of angry and frightened passengers," says Ross Johnson, a former Canadian intelligence officer and aviation security consultant. "And he will be badly injured or killed by the mob. That introduces significant doubt into his plan." Say what you want of terrorists, but they cannot afford to waste time and resources on schemes with a high probability of failure.

We, by comparison, are more than happy to waste billions of taxpayer dollars and untold hours of labor in a delusional attempt to thwart an attack that, in some sense, has already happened. No matter that a deadly sharp object can be fashioned from almost anything found on a plane -- from a wine bottle to a piece of plastic moulding -- we are nonetheless asked to queue for absurd lengths of time, subject to embarrassing pat-downs and confiscation of our belongings, lest anybody make it onto an aircraft with a pair of pointy scissors or a screwdriver.

[...]

As a traveler, it's frustrating to see firsthand the ways in which other countries have streamlined their security protocols. I have traveled extensively since Sept. 11, to Europe, Asia, Africa and the Middle East, and based on anecdotal observation America's protocols feel the most jury-rigged and chaotic.

Alas, a frightened American populace seems to demand not actual security, but security spectacle. We equate nuisance with safety: If it is inconvenient and highly labor intensive, our thinking goes, it must be helpful. And although a reasonable percentage of passengers, along with most security experts, would concur such theater serves no useful purpose, there has been surprisingly little outrage, little protest -- not from passengers, not from the airlines, not from the media. In that regard, we've gotten exactly the system we deserve.

We truly entrust our lives to idiots.

Dear MySpace Mouth Breathers

I realize you like my pictures, in particular the "Cleveland Steamer" Family Guy image, Ann Coulter, Captain Caveman, a pile of laundry on my couch (????), and a collar joint which looks suspiciously penis-like. It's all over MySpace.

I was so thrilled, I turned them all off. Kindly go fuck yourselves.

If you want the pic, fine, but go host it yourself. Not like I created the pics, I found them the same place you did, I just was nice enough to not suck up someone else's bandwidth.

Take, for example, Amanda. She claims to be 19, lives in "Everywhere you want to be, CA" and lists Ann Coulter, Jesus, and Ronald Reagan amongst her heroes. (Everytime someone loads her page, that image of Ann comes from my site.) Her favorite television show is "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," and she loves ZZ Top. She "like[s] many things, but they're relatively unimportant." She has ambition, too: "I want to learn as much as I can about everything, just to know it."

This girl is deep.

Now, I'm sure I have a lot in common with Amanda. I, too, once tried to be a blond skank, passed out frequently in a room full of guys, and routinely examined my genitals for anything abnormal.

Tomorrow when I get bored, I'm gonna replace all those references with "I wanna anally rape my 6-year old sister with a chainsaw" images. And, when you're in court, I'm going to get on the stand and swear that image never changed.

XOXO,
schmeeve

Dane is Lame

Salon agrees.

Seriously, I wouldn't even listen to that dude for 5 seconds with my penis in his mouth.

Oh, the Children...

One wonders how the media will explain it's nearly 2 week frenzy with a mentally ill pedophile who didn't kill JonBenet. Predictably, there will be many "why" stories justifying their obsession with dead/missing white people. I'll save you some time and summarize: Clearly, rushing 15k reporters around the world from Thailand to Boulder was an appropriate reaction because... wait. [cue James Earl Jones] "This is CNN."

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace doesn't believe in DNA evidence... any more.

Boulder tax payers must be thrilled as well. Them some expensive-ass biz class shrimp you bought the 'killer.'

53 American soldiers dead in Iraq this month thus far, 10 more than last month. Psst... CNN and the rest of you bottom feeders: I'm guessing a number of them were white, too.

Al and Ann, My Fav Fucktards

If you click on my fucktards category, turns out you can get a poster of Ann Coulter for the low, low price of $4.87! She's as emaciated and skeletal as you please. What a steal!

I have this theory that Ann really needs some black cock. Specifically, Al Sharpton's. I know, you're gonna have to work with me on this one, but I think we can reduce political discourse in this country by 23.8% if we just all look the other way while Al anally violates Ann. (I conducted a scientifical study and all. Real scientifical. Wait.. remember.. I said work with me. Oh, and I asked. Turns out Ann LIVES for this kinda action -- "hard, rough, and forget lube! Only Satan-worshiping Bin-Laden lovin' Democrats use ass lube!" Uh, her words, not mine.)

Thankfully, an Al Sharpton for President 2008 sticker can be had for only $3.95.

Get both.

Recommended activity: pin the giant black wang on the boney pus-filled ass.

When the Leeves Broke

Really, just sad.

The PR campaign was just gross. Bush, Cheney showing up -- many days after the fact -- trying to look involved. Thankfully, a few noticed:

"George Bush doesn't care about black people." - Kayne West

"I thought it'd be poetic justice if I quoted the Dick to the dick." (referring to Cheney's 'go fuck yourself' to Sen. Patrick Leahy.)
"Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go fuck yourself."
- Dr. Ben Marble

"President Bush can kiss my ass.
The United States government can kiss my ass.
St. Bernard Parish can kiss my ass.
Even though there's not much left, there's enough to kiss.
- Cheryl Livaudas

So, they're angry. And they should be. See why.

George Michael

So, George Michael tapped this:

After being caught in the bushes with a unemployed 58 year old van driver, complete with a stained mattress in the back, the tabloid followed him to his house:

Meanwhile his new buddy Kirtland crept from the undergrowth looking sheepish and rushed to his Ford Transit van. As he opened the door a grubby, stained mattress was clearly visible in the back.

We later tracked him to his home 60 miles away—a squalid flat in Brighton, East Sussex.

Looking gross and dishevelled, Kirtland answered the door naked — pulling on grimy shorts as he invited us in.

[...]

Kirtland's dingy place just off Brighton seafront, was littered with rubbish, dirty crockery and filthy laundry. His only companion is a 20-year-old cat.

Good gravy, were I a tabloid, I'd have like 5 guys on GM watch 24/7. It really doesn't get any better than this...

So let me get this right...

Israel gets weapons on the cheap from the US then bombs the living daylights out of Lebanon. We give $30M in aid to Lebanon then Newsweek portrays Bush as a decisive leader "handling" the crisis in the Middle East.

37% approval.

Irony, RIP.

Krazy Kent Hovind

It just endlessly fascinates me that anyone like this batshit crazy assclown could have enough money to rack up a $473k tax bill:

A Pensacola evangelist who owns the defunct Dinosaur Adventure Land in Pensacola was arrested Thursday on 58 federal charges, including failing to pay $473,818 in employee-related taxes and making threats against investigators.

[...]

Kent Hovind, who often calls himself "Dr. Dino," has been sparring with the IRS for at least 17 years on his claims that he is employed by God, receives no income, has no expenses and owns no property.

Who the hell is giving this guy money? Even nutjob organizations like the Discovery Institute steer clear of this dude.

I also find it fascinating that the most comprehensive response comes from an Australian.

Disgusting

When UCSC Chancellor Denise Denton swan-dived to her death from the 42nd floor of a San Francisco apartment building, the media seemed, well -- confused -- of what to make of it.

Thankfully, Michelle Malkin has stepped forward to piss all over Denton's grave -- a grave which she may have helped create.

TAP:

You may have missed this story, but it's worth a look. It appears that Michelle Malkin is taking some heat from her compadres on the right because she failed to apologized after heaping a great deal of vitriol on a woman who subsequently committed suicide.

Well, now Malkin has lashed back at her critics. Her response? She smeared the dead woman again, calling her a "corruptocrat."

[...]

Vile. What's next? Ann Coulter, fresh from attacking the 9/11 widows/widowers, plagiarist?

Really, if there is a hell, these people are on the short list...

Stewart takes down Bill Bennett

I never know why Jon Stewart softballs some asshats then smartly annihilates others, but this segment over 'gay marriage' with Bill Bennett made my nipples hard.

"I disagree. It's a debate about whether you think gay people are part of the human condition or just a random fetish."

Stoopid Google

Much hay has been made over Google's "do no evil" policy vs. China and their zealous censorship fetish.

Oft-cited example: contrast these two image searches for 'Tiananmen Square': US; China. No "tank man" in the Chinese version. (FrontLine did a good piece on this recently.)

Funny thing is all you have to do is misspell 'Tiananmen' (which I imagine happens rather frequently), and one gets at least some "tank man" pr0n. (Yes, I know I'm searching in English here.)

Look, Google: when you break your own promises, at least be good at it.

Seriously, why does anyone pay Google attention any more... unless you're insanely wealthy and getting rich on their crap Class B shares? Everything they've released in the last 3 years has been ass: gmail (yawn), gCal (Apple circa 2001), Maps (Web 2.0!!!!@@!@!!! d00d! FUCK ACCURACY!), news (company PR IS news!), Finance (Y! circa 98 with an AJAX chart!!!#@!!), Froogle (muddled, repetitive, pointless), local (does anyone know this exists?), blah, blah, blah...

Meanwhile, Yahoo! gets its third Chinese citizen arrested. Hey Terry, you fucknut, gonna throw some of that $174M to that guy's family or let them starve?

$5000 Bounty

For Penn Jillette. DEAD.

But thems just jokes.

Loves me some wingnuts.

Pimpstar

Wow, something even stupider than the Escalade itself: Pimpstar rims.

"You can even change them while you're driving!"

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Trackback

So I turned it on for the first time in about, oh, 5 months, and I got 10 trackback spams within 30 minutes.

It's off again.

Not like I had anything important to say anyway.

[ Note to spammers: Targeting my shit from 2003 -- not so effective. Just really annoying. The stupid thing is you spam for almost all the same website. So kindly go fuck yourself. ]

The Abu Ghraib Files

Salon's got 279 photos and 19 videos from Rummy's favorite little pet project in Iraq.

If you weren't disgusted enough, some choice quotes from the nutosphere:

[The US] "does not permit, tolerate, or condone torture under any circumstances"
- Condi Rice

"brilliant!"
- Rush Limbaugh

"more outraged by the outrage than we are by the treatment."
- Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)

"There was underwear on the head of one of them. We're not raping and killing anybody."
- Sean Hannity

"hazing"
"fraternity prank"
- Rush Limbaugh

"Clearly, more pictures of Abu Ghraib help the terrorists, as do Geneva Convention protections and civilian lawyers. So there’s no question the ACLU and the judges who side with them are terror allies."
- Bill O'Reilly

UPDATE 8:02pm: How could I forget the biggest fans?

"We do not torture"
- George W. Bush

"this new paradigm renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitations on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders quaint some of its provisions."
- Alberto "Abu" Gonzales

Attention North Carolinans!

You've got a winner running for Congress: Vernon Robinson! He apparently starts off each day with a big giant bowl of crazy. C&L's got a lovely little gem of a campaign commercial:

This is isn't a joke or a parody commercial. It's just insane. Robinson is running for Congress in North Carolina and he uses the Twilight Zone theme to attack gays, judges, African Americans and just about anything or anyone else you can think of.

[ hat tip to DT ]

Itchy Fingers...

Let's all look surprised.

Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas

No Irony Here, Move Along...

Reality

...and two years ago...

...and even funnier: All the "news" that's fit to at least waste the Internets on, and my personal fave: the phrase "the shaving unit of Engergizer."

Next week: I unveil my SIX-headed penis. 1 fu(k1n6 0wn.

Quote of the Day

Direct. No foolin':

"I was walking by at 8 or so. At for 4 I would be ok. How much did you drink?"

Titles

I was entering a contest over at the British Airways site, and was amused by the list of possible titles for ones name. All 203 of them. I'm quite sure I don't know what half of them mean... and here I thought I was semi-worldly. Natch, I picked "Rear Admiral." I'm all class, ain't I?

Mr
Mrs
Ms
Miss
Dr
Herr
Monsieur
Hr
Frau
A V M
Admiraal
Admiral
Air Cdre
Air Commodore
Air Marshal
Air Vice Marshal
Alderman
Alhaji
Ambassador
Baron
Barones
Brig
Brig Gen
Brig General
Brigadier
Brigadier General
Brother
Canon
Capt
Captain
Cardinal
Cdr
Chief
Cik
Cmdr
Col
Col Dr
Colonel
Commandant
Commander
Commissioner
Commodore
Comte
Comtessa
Congressman
Conseiller
Consul
Conte
Contessa
Corporal
Councillor
Count
Countess
Crown Prince
Crown Princess
Dame
Datin
Dato
Datuk
Datuk Seri
Deacon
Deaconess
Dean
Dhr
Dipl Ing
Doctor
Dott
Dott sa
Dr
Dr Ing
Dra
Drs
Embajador
Embajadora
En
Encik
Eng
Eur Ing
Exma Sra
Exmo Sr
F O
Father
First Lieutient
First Officer
Flt Lieut
Flying Officer
Fr
Frau
Fraulein
Fru
Gen
Generaal
General
Governor
Graaf
Gravin
Group Captain
Grp Capt
H E Dr
H H
H M
H R H
Hajah
Haji
Hajim
Her Highness
Her Majesty
Herr
High Chief
His Highness
His Holiness
His Majesty
Hon
Hr
Hra
Ing
Ir
Jonkheer
Judge
Justice
Khun Ying
Kolonel
Lady
Lcda
Lic
Lieut
Lieut Cdr
Lieut Col
Lieut Gen
Lord
M
M L
M R
Madame
Mademoiselle
Maj Gen
Major
Master
Mevrouw
Miss
Mlle
Mme
Monsieur
Monsignor
Mr
Mrs
Ms
Mstr
Nti
Pastor
President
Prince
Princess
Princesse
Prinses
Prof
Prof Dr
Prof Sir
Professor
Puan
Puan Sri
Rabbi
Rear Admiral
Rev
Rev Canon
Rev Dr
Rev Mother
Reverend
Rva
Senator
Sergeant
Sheikh
Sheikha
Sig
Sig na
Sig ra
Sir
Sister
Sqn Ldr
Sr
Sr D
Sra
Srta
Sultan
Tan Sri
Tan Sri Dato
Tengku
Teuku
Than Puying
The Hon Dr
The Hon Justice
The Hon Miss
The Hon Mr
The Hon Mrs
The Hon Ms
The Hon Sir
The Very Rev
Toh Puan
Tun
Vice Admiral
Viscount
Viscountess
Wg Cdr

Moxie CrimeFighter

Wow. Just, um, wow.

[Penn] Jillette, 50, and his wife Emily, 39, welcomed 6-pound, 6-ounce Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette on Friday, according to publicist Glenn Schwartz. It was the first child for the couple, who married last year.

"We chose her middle name because when she's pulled over for speeding she can say, 'But officer, we're on the same side,'" Jillette explained. "'My middle name is CrimeFighter.'"

Swaggart: License to Kill

The General writes a letter suggesting heterosexually-challenged Paul Crouch of the Trinity Broadcasting Network strike first before Jimmy Swaggart kills him and tells God "he died."

Fucktardery

Check out this wingnut over at Amazon reviewing Kelley's "The Family"...

I'm watching Ms. Kelly, on Hardball right now, and Chris Matthews is grilling her with the infamous "unnamed sources", "logical assumptions", and flat out lies that compile the content in this book. There's NOTHING on the record in this book. Quite frankly, Ms. Kelley appeared to be on cocaine herself during this interview. For Amazon to keep this book on the shelves, is Un-American. Many mainstream, "Liberal" news agencies have canceled interviews with her and now she's suing them. I hope Ms. Kelley gets what she deserves...a lifetime in Leavenworth.

What is it with these people? Life in prison? I just think they need some good ol' fashioned buttsex...

Why is Daddy moving the furniture and who is Judy Garland?

AL QAEDA PLANS TO DROP GAY BOMBS
Men within 30 miles of the blast will instantly turn queer!

Seems to be working in New Jersey.

I, Boxturtle

Hate amendment goes down in flames (although 48 Yays are 48 too many), but less ye forget...

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) in a speech to that affable Heritage Foundation:

"It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. . . . Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife."

What is it with these people and animals? Nutty.

Warning! GOP pr0n follows!

Comcast Jesus

Apparently "cannot be waived" CAN be waived.

Backstory is here, and today I received this:

Dear Steve,

Thank you for contacting Comcast Cable.

I understand you we're charged an installation fee of $15.99 when all the technician did was drop off the HDTV box.

After careful consideration, and upon reviewing your account, I have decided to request a credit for your account for $15.99. Please allow for 30-90 days for the credit to be approved and applied to your account. I do thank you for your patience.

I do apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

If you have any further billing related questions or issues you wish to discuss, please feel free to write back into us.

Thank you for choosing Comcast.

Sincerely,

Stephen H.
Comcast Customer Care Specialist

What really irritates me is, whether I'm right or not is entirely beside the point, in Comcast-land, arguing with me is more expensive than just giving me the credit. In other words, the poor get screwed -- yet again. Who's gonna argue semantics over bullshit charges but me (and those like me)?

Mildly ironic, I'm also a "Stephen H." But still, Comcast: go fuck yourself.

I'm slightly encouraged to take this further -- to push for refunds for all those that were charged some bullshit fee when the "cable guy" did little more than drop off a box. I imagine I'm not alone, considering the thought of some sweaty 20-year-old molesting my expensive TV gives me chills. It's my fucking TV, and I set it up, why do I want you fiddling with it? I'd just rather do it myself.

As I said it before: Comcast, go fuck yourself.

Go Outsourcing!

An e-mail exchange I'm having with Comcast. What a bunch of weenies.

Back story: they dropped off a new cable box the other day, which I just took delivery of and hooked up to the TV myself. The guy was here maybe 3 minutes. For this, I have to pay $15.99 for an INSTALL fee. But nothing was installed. Semantics, I know, but the fee is clearly a rip and, well, they can go fuck themselves. At the very least, I fully intend to use at least $15.99 of their resources arguing this with their dimwitted support staff.

My original query, sent via online web form:

What's up with the $15.99 "INSTALL" charge for the HDTV box? The guy was there all of 3 minutes. He dropped the box off and didn't touch one wire.

Their reply:

Thank you for contacting Comcast Cable.

We apologize for the confusion, but the $15.99 is the fee for installing the HDTV box. This fee cannot be waived. We apologize for any inconvenience.

If there is anything else we can help you with, please contact us. Thank you for choosing Comcast.

Sincerely,

Caleb
Comcast Online Orders

Good job Caleb. You da big man around the office, aintcha? You told me!

NOT:

Thank you for your curt and dismissive email.

However, I must point out -- yet again -- that nothing was actually INSTALLED. I was simply handed a box, which I connected myself. If the $15.99 is indeed for installation, the way I figure it, you owe me $15.99. After all, I installed it.

So to whom should I send the bill?

Thank you.

Family Yokels

Oh, this is rich.

My cousin's ex-husband is under arrest after a shotgun booby trap he set up on his illegal pitbull breeding farm went off -- filling a surveyor full of bird shot.

Where to even begin with this one. First of all, what a fucking knob! Can't say I'm surprised, though. He was always the quintessential redneck: lots of dead stuff on the walls. Stoic drinking. Grunting and pointing. The Confederacy. Big trucks. Overalls. A library of racist jokes. An evil Uncle Jesse, if you will. (That would be much funnier had I gotten to scan the picture out of the paper before it was thrown away.) I remember visiting the Doggy Fight Club when I was little, not knowing its true nature and wondering why it needed to be stuffed away in the middle of nowhere and why anyone would pay $3k for a pet.

Apparently, "Yellow" was the top fighter, who's pups probably brought in the big bucks. Supposedly the third best place in the country to get your fighting pit, he even refereed fights and had an active business mailing out flyers and advertising the lil' monsters on the net. And to think I didn't even get one measly flyer. That's family for you.

He also ran this message board, which has since been yanked down. (It remains in the Google cache for the time being.)

Facing 68 charges including attempted murder, I think the worst is yet to come: the IRS. This has to have gone on for at least a decade, and I'm guessing like most illegal operations, he didn't bother paying taxes.

My cousin has always been a very sweet person, so I always considered this a rather serious lapse in judgment... and things seem to be better now since she left him a few years ago. Got to wonder if this had anything to do with it.

Oh, and like two months ago? My dad's 2nd cousin (I think) blew away his girlfriend then shot himself in a murder-suicide. Again, here in the genteel south -- Charleston, SC. Didn't know the guy, but I think I'll stay away from any family reunions for awhile.

Soooooo thankful I'm not genetically related to any of this family. I'm a rotten shit for talking about it publicly, but its not like you knew them, huh?

This Was a Good Idea, WHY?

Link:

Virgin Atlantic Airways on Friday scrapped plans to install bright-red urinals shaped like women's open lips at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, saying it had received complaints they were offensive.

...

"I don't know many men who think it's cool to pee in a woman's mouth, even a porcelain one," said NOW President Kim Gandy on the group's Web site.

You don't say.

It's Crazy Tasty!

Spam sucks, sure enough, but occasionally you get some winners:

Apparently, Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make me an ordained minister.... in 48 hours! While not exactly the deity I want to be, it's a step closer, and it includes such benefits as: weddings, funerals, baptisms, forgiveness of sins, and even visiting correctional facilities to "preach the word of God to those who have strayed from the flock." All for $29.95. Ohhh! Correctional facilities! I'm just tingling with... um... fear? Maybe I can fend off a shanking with the Good Book.

Seriously, I can't think of anything more unappealing. Well, maybe one thing.

So even spam has got its niche markets. I wonder if the spammer forgives herself after each spamblast?

Speaking of Simpson, The Simpsons is on right now... gotta go.

Honky Handout

Story: [yahoo.com]

BRISTOL, R.I. (AP) -- A student group at Roger Williams University is offering a new scholarship for which only white students are eligible, a move they say is designed to protest affirmative action.

The application for the $50 award requires an essay on "why you are proud of your white heritage" and a recent picture to "confirm whiteness."

"Evidence of bleaching will disqualify applicants," says the application, issued by the university's College Republicans.

I Need a Theme Song for my Shooting Spree

A BRITISH-based company is selling MP3 players which can be attached to an assault rifle.

The "AK-MP3" player is built into the ammunition clip of a Kalashnikov and can be swapped with the real magazine.

Yep, that's right... an MP3 player for your AK-47. Full story.

Speaking of sprees, Kevin Cooper is up for execution tonight at 12:01. In 1983, I lived a few miles from the scene of the massacre he's to be put to death for, and even went to school with Christopher Hughes, the 11-year old neighbor that was spending the night. He was hacked to death along with 3 members of the Ryen family. Three former jurors have come forward urging postponement, and that may happen based on a stay issued by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals this morning. I was only 10 at the time, but I remember the incident causing considerable regional panic, but a lot of that already existed because of the proximity to the infamous Chino Prison, which Cooper had escaped from shortly before the murders.

Celine's Grammar

I don't know why this irritates me so much, after all, she's ESL... but Chrysler should know better. And I've been laying around the house all day and suffered through it many times... so you'll suffer with me.

Here's Celine for the PT Turbo (thanks, CC):

I don't understand the concept of
All we need
The power of one is stronger
Don't you find that ironical
When love is all we need

Jesus fuck. Ironical? Um, Ironical?!? WTF? Sooo... irritating.

Note to self: get a life.

Ann Coulter Talking Action Figure (and Jews are bad)

This article is typical Coulter crap, this time the Dems are all a bunch of evil Jew-lovers. Zionist conspiracies abound. *yawn*

But if you scroll to the bottom of the page, there's an ad for the upcoming Ann Coulter Talking Action Figure. It seems to me the mission is clear. You know... one of those lovely stop-action movies. Who can forget what could of been between Obi-wan and Disco Lando? I mean, the bitch is practically begging for it! Fool. Hmmm, where to find appropriate action-figure co-stars? [2, 3, 4, 5, 6]

Ugh. Spam.

So I got a little bored today and started to track down the fuckers who actually spam me. I receive a relatively small amount of spam compared to most, so there's probably a few specific shitbags responsible for the majority of my spam.

Tracking down spammers is dicey. Headers are always forged, and a variety of methods are used to spam from any machine but their own: open proxies, open relays, hijacked IP blocks, even internet worms. So you look elsewhere, which usually means going after the website in the body of the email. It's not always the case that the spamvertised website IS the actual spammer, but it usually is. And even if it isn't, the hosting company should be notified they're supporting spammers.

So, anyway, today I present shitbag #1: a Robert Soloway of Medford, OR. See the SpamHaus ROKSO profile.

So Bobby, I know who you are and when you spam me, I know you have a small penis, and of Jan. 1st you will owe me $1,000 for each one of those lovely spams.

Any more bright ideas, George?

U.S. deaths in Iraq surpass 'end of major combat' total [CNN.com]

But all in the name of stamping out terror... *cough* *cough*

Find out the truth: Who's tougher on terror? [Salon.com] A real eye-opener from Joe Conason's new book Big Lies.

SBC Sues RIAA; porn firm goes after swapper identities

SBC subsidiary Pacific Bell Internet has sued the RIAA to stop subpoenas to release the names of internet music swappers. As much as I loathe SBC, when it comes to this, good for them.

But of more particular interest, is the mention that porn-house Titan Media has also sued to identify 59 swappers presumably passing around clips of their boy-on-boy smutfests.

At their current clip, it'll be 2200 years before the RIAA can sue all 60M file swappers. But... rather than end up as a statistic:

• The EFF has a page on how to protect yourself.
• The RIAA has stupidly posted a handy Excel spreadsheet of songs on their hit list.
• And Slyck News explores a possible pattern emerging in the RIAA tactics.

Bring Out Your Inner Robert Hansen!

Holy-fucking-shit. Witness huntingforbambi.com:

You can actually hunt one of our Bambi sluts and shoot her with paintballs while we film the whole thing and tape it for your own home video. [...] With over 30 women ready to be chased down and shot like dogs we guarantee a wide variety of Bambi's to choose from. Whether it is a fat ass cow or a perfect 10 we have an abundance of these beauties. So if you are the ultimate sportsman and are seeking the ultimate adrenaline rush then come out to our ranch and shoot one of these nagging whinny bitches where it hurts and shut her the fuck up. Then mount her like a "Real Man".

And all for only $10k. CNN has some video (subscription).