Troy Play-by-Play

Saw Troy the other night. It’s about as true to Homer’s Iliad as Homer’s Iliad was to real events, which was written 400 years after the fact. But I’m not here to write a review. Rather, I present to you, my play-by-play:

• Previews. Previews. Previews. Fandango commercial. And I’ve got 2 hours and 42 minutes of movie to go through. Better get comfortable. Skittles and 7-Up — CHECK. OK, bring on the gratuitous man meat.
• Oh, Carolyn’s putting her glasses on. She doesn’t want to miss one drawn-out camera pan down Brad’s ripped and filthy body.
• There’s Brad. Laying on a bevy of babes, natch. Shock! He’s half naked! Shocked, I tell you!
• It’s David vs. Goliath meets The Matrix! Brad slays the giant while flying through the air complete with a 360 camera pan.
• Oh, look, Brad in a loincloth! Ok, it’s really a miniskirt. But whatever… friggin’ bastard, making life difficult for the rest of us guys. He’s 40 and looks like that.
• Oh, who cares. It’s Orlando Bloom in a loincloth. Eh.
• Why. Does. Everyone. Talk. Like. This? No wonder it’s 3 hours!
• Orlando’s character is “Paris.” Thankfully, that’s slightly less gay of a name than Orlando.
• Is Helen on Quaaludes?
• Oh, look, Eric Bana in a loincloth! And he can actually act. And he looks like that. I could quit work, devote myself to the gym 8 hours a day, and I still wouldn’t look like that.
• Battle. Battle. Battle.
• The guy playing Brad’s cousin is creepy. Half poor-man Brad Pitt, half grown-up Hanson brother. *shudder*
• Agamendmon looks like he’s harboring lice up in that beard. But, okay, Brian Cox is doing a good job being a filth-bag.
• Yep, it’s official. Helen’s on Quaaludes.
• Aw, Brad has a heart. And apparently has no problem with Trojan cooter.
• Why do the Trojan Emperor’s spiritual advisors look like characters from Guantlet?
• Battle. Battle. Battle.
• Holy crap, is that Morrissey? Can’t be. That guy is everywhere all-asudden. Well, Meat Loaf was in Fight Club. Brad’s got a boner for has-beens.
• What is it with chicks and Restalyne? Stop pumping your lips already! It doesn’t look historically accurate, especially considering the rest of this movie is… ahem.
• Jesus, will this thing ever end? I think my ass is starting to sweat. Turn the air on already!
• Nope, ain’t Morrissey. Thank God. I was about to get all fixated on that.
• Shit. Hectar (er, uh, Eric) is dead. Bathroom break time.
• Troy meets Burning Man. Well, Burning City at least.
• Achillis Heal Thing == Lamest — Thing — Ever.
• Man, it’s almost been 3 hours. I bet Courtney Love has been arrested 3 times while I’ve been in this theater. The world is going on without me…
• Oh, mother of God. The credits. Dear Lord? I have suffered many hardships! Be kind to me.